?Early

Tonight I left the office at 9:35. Progress. Suspect will be back at house too late to cook rice, but we‘ll see. I could cook it in my room, I guess. Or in the bathroom while I shave and shower. Against the rules but...

Today was, err, something. I was in court from 10 till 4:30, then other work till now. Judgment in this matter is tomorrow. Pretty certain we‘ll lose even though we should win.

I do feel tired. Terribly tired.

[Later]

I got home in time to cook rice and have dinner!

Turning in. There‘s something in my mind, but I haven‘t a clue what it is. It‘s not the blue devils, or the black thoughts. Probably no big deal I guess then.

Bedtime.

Tonight

So tonight I left the office at 11:30pm. I guess that‘s progress.

The theme for today was “keep your head“. I fell asleep after my 5:00 alarm and woke at about 7:10. So, I was late for my session with Sonia, as well as unshowered (thank God for Rexona!) and with greasy hair.

It was a productive psych session though, and a few new strategies for an old problem. Most heartening!

The hearing finally got underway in the afternoom, after the plaintiff‘s solicitor had spent the morning fooling about trying to arrange an interpreter.

It was a hot and humid day, and it‘ll rain tonight.

Lunchtime seminar today on  contributory negligence. A free lunch didn‘t go astray either.

Ok, my stop.

Late blogging

Here I am. It‘s 11:50pm and I‘m on the last tram back to the share house (stylistic note: I refuse to call it “home“; my home is with my wife and girls). I‘ve been at the office cooking up a fiendishly technical defence to a County Court matter. If I do it right, this one will give the plaintiff no end of headaches.

Still, I‘m kind of disappointed at how easily I‘ve slipped back into the “work stupid hours“ groove. I thought I was less two dimensional than that. I guess I was wrong.

I need to be more disciplined about my hours. Working hard is great, but I want to be a husband and father who is more than just Mr work/eat/sleep/repeat.

I feel good tonight. Which makes no sense given the hour. Still, I‘ll take what I can get. Life is beautiful.

See you tomorrow.

Blogging at Court

Well, here I am at court. I won‘t discuss the case, save to say that I‘m not optimistic we‘ll be able to settle it, which means we‘ll likely run this afternoon. I‘m noticing how scuffed my office shoes are and wishing I‘d taken the time to polish them at the weekend.

I haven‘t been able to get away from the courthouse for lunch, although let‘s face it: I have enough lunches stored in my hump to last me seven days. I can stand to lose the weight!

Mental state good today. Calm and normal. I‘m a big fan of normal.

Hello: our barrister‘s coming back. Let‘s see how we go.

Sunday evening

Well, here I am on the number 96 tram again. It‘s 8:30 Sunday night. I‘ve been at the office today, and I went to one of the city supermarkets for some necessities after work.

The day‘s been kind of quiet. Well, very quiet. I slept heavy after yesterday‘s snafu, and was running too late to make it to Mass.  On the plus side, I tried the car this morning and it‘s going again - I‘m still uncertain if the problem was electrical or starter motor.

Sigh. There‘s a baby on the tram who laughs the way Grace laughs. Ouch.

Yeah, so, cars up and running again. I trammed to the office and got through some of the backlog. A solid day‘s work, I actually think. But so much left to do.

I picked up necessities from the supermarket after work. Shaving foam, rice, fun stuff like that. And now, on the tram. One thing I did buy was a can of baked beans, since I suspect Katie will get the shits if I try and cook rice after 8pm. Dinner in my room may be the easier option. Hey ho for a total regression to my university days.

I texted with Mrs T about midday, which was nice. I miss her a lot. I‘ll dash off a letter to her this evening, which always makes me feel close to her.

Early start tomorrow.  Backlog, multiple case reviews and a trial starting with a barrister briefed at the last minute. Lot of work ahead.

FML!

It's been a multiple-Cointreau-evening kind of Saturday.

So I overslept this morning because I was out last night, and didn't get to bed till excessively late.  I woke up at 7am, but then lay in until about 8:30.  Breakfast was the remains of a box of porridge with syrup and cinnamon, and then I headed out to Heatherton.  This took a long time: Melbourne had had a lot of rain overnight, and traffic was crawling until I made it to the Nepean Highway.  I got to the house at Heatherton, and loaded the dismantled swing I think I talked about the other weekend into the car.  Then it was off to the estate agent to hand back the keys once and for all.  That duty done, I then went to the storage unit and loaded the jogging stroller that sold on eBay, and then drove to Kalkallo to make the sale.  So far so good - I was there by just before 2pm.  Sale completed, I used the GPS to locate a scrap metal dealer in Coolaroo to whom I could (hopefully) sell the swing.

I got there, but no-one was about.  Still, I called the operator, who said to try a place in Campbellfield who will apparently buy anything made of metal,  I went back to the car and turned the key and ... nothing.  There was a faint clicking out of the starter motor, but nothing else.  A little googling later I'd learnt that this model of Mitsubishi was known to have a slightly iffy starter, that would sometimes malfunction if it got hot.  And I'd hit some big pools of water which might explain why the electrical system was acting erratically when I turned the key.  So, nothing to do except wait and read the book I'd brought while the engine cooled down and dried out.

For about four hours.

Four damn hours.

Tick...

Tock...

Tick...

By about 6:30 the rain had begun again in earnest, and the car showed no signs of starting, so I rang for a tow back to the sharehouse.  I wasn't keen to leave the car on a back street in Coolaroo for some extended period, mainly because at the moment the car represents more money than our bank accounts do.  This allowed me to rationalise then $190.00 expense.  Gripe.  The tow-operator was a terribly nice fellow who'd been towing wrecked cars all day.  Tomorrow I'll call the insurer and see if I'm covered for general repairs like this (It's been a while since I checked the policy).  I hope so.  The last thing I need at the moment is a mechanic's bill.

To add insult to injury, that damn swing is still in the back of the car, and I was home too late to go to the office to do the multiple jobs I planned to do today.

So here I am: showered after being thoroughly rained on, having consumed a reheated dinner from the other night and watched "Talladega Nights".  I have my third nip of Cointreau by the computer and some Cuban music playing.

Time to rest.  Tomorrow will be intense.  Another day like this and I'll break into the long-hoarded can of condensed milk in the cupboard!

Multitasking, Korean Dinner and Skype.

It's been a BIG day.  I should be sleeping now, but I'll do this to shut my brain down.

I got to work at 6:30am and had a reasonably productive morning.  A defence drawn, and a bunch of other things done.  So, pleasing.  And, I kept moving which was gratifying.

Lunch was supplied by the firm.  The CEO of a regional bank - one of the firms larger clients - was speaking about their business model and so anyone who wanted to could attend.  The bank's business model wasn't my strongest interest, but I'm always interested in a free lunch.  They were good sandwiches, too.

The afternoon became a landslide where I had multiple balls in the air at once and, somehow, managed not to drop any of them.  It consisted of -

1. Settling a two volume brief to a barrister
2. Chasing up a plaintiff's solicitor regarding the hearing on Monday for which he hadn't supplied his Court Book.  For some reason he'd decided to post it at 6:30pm yesterday rather than hand delivering it, which meant we wouldn't have it before the hearing.  On being chased, he asked if he could email it (all 166 pages of it).  I then ensured it was passed to the barrister we have briefed.
3. The aforesaid barrister dropped then the brief at the last minute (well, at about 3:30pm) due to a matter running for longer than expected in court, prompting multiple calls to three Clerks and several barristers to find someone to take it on at the very last minute.  I finally got someone at about 4:55pm and gave them a verbal rundown on the case.
4. A worker whose claim has been held up multiple times because of erratic strategy from her lawyers was to have a medical examination with a certain doctor on Monday afternoon.  Her lawyer called me at about 2:45 a bit sheepish and said she couldn't go.  she didn't want to see the doctor in question at all, but he'd talked her into that.  The she said she couldn't go because she had to pick up her grandkid from the school bus.  I suspect this last bit was a bullshit excuse she'd cooked up, but whatever.  I pointed out, though, that the next exam with that doctor would be in about 3-4 months.  I didn't add that my own boss would be less than happy if the examination fell through.  So I said, let me make some phone calls...  I tracked down one of my colleagues who has a plaintiff being seen by the same doctor in a week, and asked if I could have them see the doctor Monday, with my plaintiff to take their spot in a week.  She said fine, as long as the plaintiff's solicitors agree.  So, I called this particular solicitor and turned on my most charming voice, and she spoke with her client who agreed to go to their exam on Monday.  Then I called the solicitor for the plaintiff in my matter, offered them the later date (they took it).  I now owe a few favours to several people.
5. The bank called me to ensure that some of the financial juggling connected with the move got sorted.
6. I had a detailed email conversation with the estate agent re getting the final clean done on the old house.
7. I settled a detailed letter of advice for another matter where I really want instructions to fight to the death.

I always say I'm not a multitasker, but I surely managed it this afternoon, and did it without getting flustered, frazzled or otherwise nutty, and brought everything to a correct conclusion.  At one stage  I actually had my office phone to one ear and my mobile to the other and managed to to lose my cool.  Yay me!

So, I felt I'd earned my ciders at after work drinks tonight!  I exercised my social muscle and went out for a couple more drinks with some of my colleagues afterwards, and we then kicked on to a Korean restaurant in Little Lonsdale Street.  I'm still not as much of a social animal as Mrs T.  Partly because in a bar I often find it incredibly difficult to hear a conversation; it just blurs into the surrounding hubbub.  This gets worse as you add alcohol, naturally.  Still, I should practice.  I never, ever, want to hear myself say "I'm too old to learn" about anything, including social skills.  As my University's motto said: "Ancora Imparo" - "I am still learning".

After dinner I went back to the office, got my briefcase and keys and caught the last tram back to the sharehouse.  This weekend will start off with a trip to the estate agent and bank, the storage unit and going to Kalkallo to sell the stroller.  The family gathering has been cancelled: It was to be an outdoor event, and apparently the weather this weekend is going to be apocalyptic.

And, the cherry on the icing on the cake: When I got home I got to skype with Mrs T and the girls!!!!!!!!!  I was so so so so pleased.  Grace, I know, knew who I was which just made my day.  And Rachel was playing at being shy and hiding her little face.  She is such a doll.  Grace has learned a swag of new words, and Rachel looks like she's suddenly big enough to be playing for the Melbourne Storm!  And Mrs T is as beautiful as ever she was.  I'm a lucky guy, indeed!!  She's catching up with one of our friends who also has twins who lives in Houston.  Both sets of twins are being looked after, so they'll be able to find a bar and watch the LSU-Arkansas game.  Geaux Tigers!  It still sucks to be so far apart, but thank the relenting gods for skype.

OK: It's bed time.  Much to do tomorrow.

Late Steak Mistake

It's been a busy day, with a lesson at the end of it.

This time, I'm on my laptop at the house, rather than on my phone on the tram.  I've got some Dixieland playing in the background, and I've had a certain amount of Cointreau that I brought from Heatherton.  I'm also delaying leaving the room.

The reason for the delay will become clear in a moment.

The day, as I said, was busy.  I spent a reasonable amount of time preparing for my performance review this afternoon, and a lot of time getting files up and running.  Just, well, busy.

The performance review was an interesting experience.  Both I and my two managers had pretty similar views as to my strengths and weaknesses, and where I need to improve.  When I'm feeling good, I really think I can do it.  Push on, I say... but there's always the nagging feeling of being intractably a second-rater.  Push on, I guess.

I got back to the house about 9pm and cooked up dinner - two pieces of fillet steak (one for tonight, one for tomorrow), pan fried with olive oil, chili flakes, pepper and salt.  I also heated up some canned tomatoes with black pepper, onion powder, rosemary and salt.  On the plus side... I didn't ruin the steak (this is close to a first for me).  On the negative side... as I was cleaning up, a terribly polite Indian gentleman from the front room came out and switched on the extractor fan, pointing out that the smell of frying steak (and olive oil, and chili flakes, and pepper, and salt) had filled the rest of the house.  When I came up to my room (the furthest one from the kitchen), I found the smell really was filling the house.  Now I can hear that someone has turned on the extractor fans in the upstairs bathrooms, and I'm scared to show my face outside my room.

I guess there's no lesson here except: don't pan-fry steak after 9pm in a share house.

Late and ...?

Another night, another tram. There‘s got to be a film script in that somewhere.

It‘s been kind of a bust as a day. The whole morning (or what felt like all of it) was spent preparing for a conference with an employer in a matter.  I don‘t think I should discuss details. Suffice it to say I had to make sure I knew every page if the file. The conference itself then took most of the afternoon. And this evening‘s been taken up preparing the paperwork for my performance review tomorrow. It‘s 11pm, and I‘m going back to the sharehouse.

I had a call from Dad this evening. He was letting me know that the annual get together for the extended family is this weekend and asking/inviting me to go down. I‘d go except (a) I‘m drowning in work, (b) I have a County Court hearing starting Monday and (c) I‘ve already arranged to drive to Cheltenham and Kalkallo that day to sell a stroller. I felt like a rat for saying “I‘ll see“, but I also felt, I dunno, annoyed. Mum and Dad would go months without fetting in touch or extending an invite, butas soon as Mrs T and the girls are gone, they ask me down every weekend. I know it‘s kindly meant, to make them being away less lonely, but ... dammit. I dunno. I guess I‘m just looking for things to take offence at.

Last night‘s blog post failed to publish, which may be just as well. It was a scorcher, one where I was blaming myself with everything except causing the Great Fire of London. I don‘t think I will post it, although it might be interedting to pick apart when my heads in straighter.

Ok, my stop. See uou tomorrow.

The last few days

Grabbing a few minutes during lunch to start an update; I'll probably finish it after work.

It's been a big couple of days.  Friday was client free, so I was able to get quite a bit done.  I can't recall the weather, although I remember it rained in the evening.  Around midday I had an attack of the black thoughts I get sometimes, after I realized I'd failed to do something I should have done.  I was able to get it under control pretty quick though - pretty much as soon as I'd thought it, a much more useful set of thoughts went over it like a tidal wave: "No, you're not going to do anything like that; you have a beautful wife and two perfect daughters who all love you, and you have to provide for them, and that's what you're going to do, whether that's by practising law, or delivering pizzas, or by being the world's most improbable exotic dancer".  So I felt pretty pleased about that little self-correction.  I exercised my social skills at afterwork drinks - which kicked on to a dinner of Korean Fried Chicken (highly recommended I should add) and then birthday drinks for one of my colleagues at a bar.  Going out isn't really my thing, but it was a fun evening although I'd forgotten how many weird people are loose in Melbourne on a Friday night.

Saturday was mostly spent at the house in Heatherton clearing the last of the junk out.  A trip to Cash Converters netted $150.00, which was good.  I dismantled the back yard swing to take to the tip, but exasperatingly took a wrong turn and by the time I got there they were closing.  I drove around for a bit trying to find somewhere - anywhere - to get rid of it, and in the end took it back to the garage and stacked it for next weekend.  Stuff it.  Rather than take it to the tip (and pay for the privilege of dumping it) I'll take it to Highett Metals and sell it for scrap.  Even if it's only worth $15.00 (as I suspect to be the case), we may as well have it.  It rained on and off all day, sometimes heavily, and I was out in the South Eastern suburbs till 5:30.  Then I came into the office and worked till about 11:00pm and then went home.

Sunday was another office day.  Exasperatingly, I missed my window in the day to go to Mass, so I'll try and get to lunchtime Mass through this week to make up for it.  I bought an aircard at Officeworks and set it up in the evening, so as soon as the timezones align I'll skype Mrs T and the girls.  I'm double-pleased about that.  I spoke to Mrs T by phone; she and the girls were going to PR's place to have dinner and stay the night and watch LSU beat the bejeesus out of Ole Miss.  It was great to hear her voice and to listen to the munchkins in the background (big smile!).  The day at the office was fiddly - just mundane catchup work, but better to do it on a Sunday than during the week.  Annoyingly, the black thoughts lurked a bit in the afternoon, but for once my tiny mind was being useful and I thought "these things just come on in waves... Just ignore those thoughts and in an hour or two you'll be yourself again".  And indeed, so I was!  The learning from this being, I guess, that just because your mind conjures up multiple versions of Marley's ghost, moaning and clanking their chains, you shouldn't run from it.  Just remember they're no more than tricks of the light, and walk though them.  Often easier said than done, of course.

The sharehouse was a tense environment Sunday night... Katie (older 40ish resident who seems to see herself as the Queen Bee of the premises) had the royal shits with Paul (Irish guy) and Jenn (Canadian backpacker) over the mess some of Paul's friends had made the previous night.  I tried to stay out of it.  All I want is a place to sleep, shower and cook and to stay out of the politics.

Today's been good. I met with my boss for case reviews in the morning.  She was really good about the mess my work's in at the moment, so as long as I can tidy it up soonish (which I can) and keep any major calamities from happening (hopefully ditto) things should be OK.

Insert a break of a couple of hours for the afternoon's work...

OK, productive afternoon.  Getting on top of things, slowly.  Good.  I got a bit of a morale boost in the form of seeing my secretary's review of me (part of the performance review process) saying what a nice guy I am.  I didn't even have to bribe her!

One more thought: This weekend did give me a chance to look back at bachelorhood days and remember why I never regretted leaving them behind that much: The trackless, aimless routine of them.  There was something awful about being in bed on a Sunday morning and sleeping late, not because you want to, but because you can't press yourself to get up, and about going to the office because you don't know what else to do.  Casting my mind back before Mrs T, I just look at how I lived with a kind of horror: a life of just filling in time without dreams, or any real goal, or anything except getting from one day/week/month to the next.  I sometimes wonder what my life would have looked like if I hadn't found her, and there's no version of it that isn't depressing.  Which makes me so grateful to my own little family: They need me, but really not half as much as I need them.

Warm evening

It‘s a warm evening, and I‘m in the team for the sharehouse again.

I got to talk to Mrs T last night! So good to hear her voice, although she was pretty tired. G (the younger twin) is sick and snuffly and not sleeping well, so that‘s also been costing Mrs T sleep. She‘s been out testdriving cars today. And she confirmed last night that she got the job that came up before she left. It‘s not great work, but it‘s a start and comes with health insurance.

It was a good day here too. The extra medication is really helping. I had a major “oh shit“ moment tiday on a file, and after the initial sensation of ice water running down my spine, I didn‘t plunge into self-execration or despair. I just took a deep breath and fixed it. I‘m pleased with that. And I was more together and on top of things than I‘ve ever been during two client file review in the afternoon.

All praise, then, to the makers of Pristiq!

Our furniture all gets loaded on the ship tomorrow for the long sea voyage. I kind of like the thought of our kitchen table taking a long cruise on the MV Ital Mattina.

Ok - it‘s near my stop. I‘ll post this and go see what can be found for dinner.

Satisfying Day

Might have to be quick; phone battery dying. Getting in early worked well. I was at my desk just before 7am and got quite a bit done and moreover, felt settled all day. I‘m pleased with that.

The icing on the cake was that Mrd T sent me a photo of the girls at Arbys. My girls love french fries... Arbys curly fries would have blown their little minds! We‘ve set a time for a phone call tonight midnight Melbourne time. You can guess that right now I‘m feeling pretty good.

Today I also started 100mgs of Pristiq, which might also explain my good mood. I haven‘t picked this apart. I‘m disinclined to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Hope your days are good too.

Another night, another tram.

Tonight finds me waiting for the right tram. It‘s been a frustrating day.  Very busy, and a decent bit done, but just not cutting through in what I would regard as an acceptable fashion.  Hmm.

I‘m going to try getting in early instead of staying late. Wirking back in the evenings, I just get distracted too easily and don‘t get done what I want to. My instincts tell me the mornings will work better.

I met with Sonia the psychologist before work this morning. Productive. I‘ve been holding up well since Mrs T flew out, which may be because I haven‘t really had tme to mope. She thinks I may kind of crash once the pressure is off, so she suggested things to do to keep busy when that time hits.

I got a text message from Mrs T today. She has a mobile phone now which is great. An iPhone no less, so we should be able to stay in touch easily.

So, overall, a frustrating day with redeeming features. I‘ll try calling Mrs T tomorrow morning - it‘d be great to hear her voice.

Draft at the Doctors

I‘m starting this draft in my lunch hour and my GP‘s waiting room. It‘s been an extraordinary couple of days since I last posted.

The king-size biggy is that Mrs T and the munchkins are now in America. They had a good flight, and going from facebook they‘re settling in well

INSERT SEVERAL HOURS GAP

ok - now waiting for a tram back to the new place. I can confirm that our goods are arranged for shipping and the bill has been paid. Now i have a target for what to sock away while I‘m out here!

Oh yeah - The doctors. Well, I explained how the Pristiq was helping, but I was still more up and down than I like, so she‘s cranked the dose up which should even me out. She also recommebed I come back next week in case I crash after Mrs T‘s been away more than a few days.

The tramride to work is a question mark. I keep seeing things that make me think of Mrs T and the girls, and that makes me miss them. On the other hand, it keepd them close to my mind, so I guess overall it‘s a good thing.

Work is intense. I‘m a long way behind.  My boss has noticed.  Still, this should be  a quiet week, so if I crank up the output and do a couple of late nights I reckon I can master it. I can do it.

Ok. It‘s near my tramstop, so I‘ll post this now. Sorry it‘s a bit of a mess - it‘s been done on the hop.

Oh crap, i think i got on the wrong tram!

A LONG WALK LATER

Ok, that‘s good to know: a number 86 tram goes to a different place than a number 96 tram. Noted.

Sunday night

I'm typing this on my iPod lying in bed. This is likely to be a week of very short posts written on the fly with whatever comes to hand.

Two of the in-laws arrived in Melbourne yesterday - mrs T's sister and brother in law. Great people who I adore! They'll help Mrs T get the girls back on the plane. Nice to have them here, even given the reason.

Today we did early thanksgiving for some of our friends plus the said in laws. We fried 2 turkeys and watched the LSU-Alabama game. I have to say that as I was driving about in the morning for ice, a gas bottle etc, and coming home to a house full of energy and family-feeling, I was reassured and just knew we are doing the right thing.

Ok - enough for now. Will write more as time permits.

Mrs T's last day at work

I may wind up deleting this post.  I'm largely writing to try and clear my head.

Mrs T's last day at her job here was today. This time next week she'll be frantically packing the girls' things and getting ready for the long jag back across the pacific. And I'll have a key to a room in a share house for the duration.

I feel utterly blue that she's had to have another "leaving day".  Even though I know it's part of what she wants, and that we'll be back together soon enough, I hate that she ever has to do anything that makes her sad.  I've felt in the past sometimes like I ruined her life.  When I met with S the psychologist earlier this week, she pointed out that it's difficult to think of a definition of a "ruined life" that applies here.  Lives don't get ruined this way, even if things aren't how you planned them.  Lives get ruined by childhood sexual abuse, and by violent assault, and by bad accidents, and drug addiction.  Too right.  I think of some of the people I acted for as a plaintiff lawyer and, yes, often they were people whose lives were not only wrecked, but irredeemably damaged.  Maybe it's just that the stakes are higher for me when Mrs T or the munchkins are involved.  With clients, it was right and proper to be clinical and objective.  But if I fear I've made her feel bad, or even had a 1% share in making her feel so, then I feel like I've hurt her worse than any of my client;s were ever hurt.  And like I'm a more vile, wicked and worthless person than the worst defendant I ever brought a claim against.  And it's then that I just feel guilty and ashamed if I even look at our darling daughters.

I know this sort of thing is a good example of my thoughts running away on me and making me exaggerate things way out of proportion.  Maybe in a weird way it's actually the easier option: If you already feel like utter scum, there's not much that will make you feel worse.  When you're at rock bottom, at least you know things won't get much worse.

It just hurts a little I guess.  I so want Joni to have the "happily ever after" she deserved to have when we married.  Maybe I'm stupid (maybe?), and want her to have something that human life and human fallibility doesn't usually grant us.

Or maybe the full "happily ever after" is still waiting down the road somewhere, and to give that to her, I just need a bit more elbow grease at work, and a bit more time working on my issues and getting on top of them too.

Well, that I can do.  It often takes me a while to get somewhere but I usually make it, even if I do have to go the long way sometimes.

Checking in

This is just a quick check-in post.  I should have been asleep an hour ago.  Damn my inability to organise myself in the evenings (or, judging from my office, at any other time)!  By way of short update, I saw S the psychologist last night and now have a certain amount of homework and a few other things to do.  She agreed that discussing medication with the GP might be a good idea, so I'll tee that up for when I next have some spare space in a day.  Happily my doc usually does early morning appts.

Today started somewhat badly, with me getting a serve from one of our neighbours about putting our excess rubbish in their (half-empty) wheely bin.  I appreciate why she was angry, but the problem is it's really hard to keep a straight face when you're being chewed out by a New Zealander (which our neighbour is).  Irate New Zealanders actually just sound cute, so it's like being berated by a super-pissed-off Teddy Ruxpin.  The piece-de-resistance was when, with her accent inflamed, she informed me that "a bugger rubbush bun only tykes a diposut of suxty dullas".  I thought it would be inflammatory to tell her that she was likely to be even more annoyed next week when there's a 20-foot shipping container parked outside our house, so I just assued her it wouldn't happen again.  Sure won't.  By the time the next recycling bin night comes around, Mrs T will be stateside and I'll be elsewhere in Melbourne.

The day didn't get a whole bunch better from there.  I have a hearing starting tomorrow, and our barrister dropped us on a transparently spurious basis.  I wouldn't have minded except she could have just declined the matter two months ago.  I now have another barrister briefed at very short notice in a fairly complex matter, which means I'll need to make a lot of the running myself tomorrow.  Great.  More work is just what I need at this juncture.  Gripe.

On the plus side, I got to have some swell daddy-daughter time this evening.  Mrs T had her work farewell tonight, and she planned to hit the bottle pretty hard, so she arranged to crash at the house of one of our friends tonight (which was a shame - she was wearing a smoking hot dress when she left this morning - Mmm hmm!).  So, I looked after the munchkins this evening and got them to bed and will get them underway tomorrow morning.  I do feel guilty still about Mrs T leaving her job.  I know it's what she wanted, but still, a sensation of guilt still hangs about my head and I can't seem to shake it.  I know I haven't in a true sense ruined her life...  I just wish I'd done better to give her the "happily ever after" she deserves so much.

OK, I need to get to bed pronto, or I'll be double-useless tomorrow.  Sleep time.

Two days

It's been a kind of problematic couple of days, in a way.  The "low" mood has really had its hooks into me, bigtime.

It was especially bad yesterday morning, at work.  I mean, really low, and I couldn't seem to pull myself out of it at all.  My thoughts just seemed to keep orbiting a very dark planet.  It made it really difficult to focus on work at all.

That afternoon involved about 7-8 case reviews with my boss, which is draining and a good way to spend a couple of hours being face to face with the gaping holes in one's competence.  Not fun.  This didn't end till about 4:30, and then I still had some preparation to do for a hearing that's starting on Wednesday (i.e. tomorrow).  This meant I was late home, relative to the munchkins going out trick or treating dressed up as Minnie Mouse and a Pirate Princess.  So cute!  Mrs T didn't comment on this, although I can't help but suspect that she thinks I was late home because I didn't care enough to be here to see it.  It isn't the case at all.  I so wanted to be home for it, but with the best will in the world I couldn't be.  Sucks, royally.  To compound things, I had a session of a club I'm in with the old man in the evening, so I wasn't even there to help Mrs T bathe the girls and get them to bed.  The meeting itself was good - getting to catch up with the old man and one or two others.  And, he did drop by at our place afterwards for a cup of tea.  But, it was easy to see that our impending move was weighing on his mind.

You can probably tell that after he left and I'd washed up our cups, I was really clobbered.  All I could think over and over again was "I've ruined everything.  I ruined Dad's life by being useless like I am and by taking his granddaughters away from him.  I ruined Mrs T's life by bring her out here to this rock.  I've ruined the girls lives just by being in them, and when they look at me with love I feel ashamed.  And I've ruined my employer by being a barely competent zero as a lawyer".  By 10:30pm I just wanted to throw the towel in on the day.  I was physically exhausted and mentally done and all I wanted to do was throw in the towel and sleep.  Which is what I did: I had a shower and went to bed.

Today was a public holiday.  I got up at 7:30.  I really can't recall much of how I was today, apart from that I did feel pretty blue for a lot of the time.  I was able to duck out for a swim in the afternoon, and oddly I felt pretty down in the pool - not just because I'm fat and unfit, but because from time to time I just suddenly felt like the all the energy had drained out of me.  Ugh.  Mrs T went to visit Nanny C and her partner A in the evening, so I got the kids to bed and typed part of this before I had dinner.  It's now about 1:30am and I've been up with a file.  I'm ready for bed.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with S the Psychologist and I'll see if the latest rash of ups and downs are anything to be especially worried about.  My instincts are not, although I do wonder if it mightn't be worth discussing with the doctor whether upping the dose of Pristiq would be prudent. 

These blues are a pesky thing, indeed, but I'll not let them trick me into wrecking my life.  It's just a real bastard that they're clouding the time I have with Mrs T and the munchkins before their return.  No doubt the meaning of all this will become clear in time.