Flames and Bones

Hi everyone,

Hope all is well with you.

It's been a fairly subdued day in my world.  That is, most of the day in my office preparing for a conference in a matter this afternoon, and then attending the said conference.  Nothing too thrilling to report, I'm afraid.  I did get a text from a friend advising me that she's found herself a job, which is great!  She'd found herself unexpectedly out of work too.  There's hope for us all!

After work I went to the Ash Wednesday Mass at St Francis.  I settled on a real challenge: I'm going to try and give up swearing for Lent.  I know, I know - I may wind up sounding like this song -

but what's life without a challenge?

The evening was the best bit of the day.  After Mass I headed up to Chinatown to catch up with some friends from the old job.

 

We'd arranged to go to Ginza Teppanyaki - they do that thing (hibachi?) where they cook the food at your table and periodically you find bits of egg and plates flying in your direction.  It was a barrel of fun, and great to catch up with the crew.  They were awesome folks to work with and it was a job I was rather sad to leave.

And was there flame?  Yes, there was flame - 

There was lots of flame!

After dinner, we went a little way off of Little Bourke Street to a very cool but very macabre Mexicana bar that one of our number knew of.  When I say Mexicana, there wasn't a sombrero or cactus in sight: it had the sort of decor that you'd get if you put Victor Frankenstein, Salavdor Dali and Our Lady of Guadalupe in a room together, added peyote and left them to it.  So, there were photos from movies with neon lights protruding from the eyes, a lot of "Day of the Dead" themed makeup on statues, and lots of bones.  This light fitting should give you the general idea -

When drinks finished I walked back to Brunswick, partly for the exercise but mostly to help digest the massive feast of protein I'd had.  I have a very happy stomach right now!

Tomorrow is appointment free, save for an hour and a half team meeting at lunch.  It's all a little academic for me.  Still, there's a free lunch involved.  And a plasma donation in the evening, which I'm looking forward too.  I have no idea why this is one of the highlights of any given fortnight, but there you have it.  I'd go each week if they let me!

OK, I guess that's enough for now.  More tomorrow.  Hope all is well with yourselves!

In which I worry, fail to be stressed enough, and do without a soundtrack

Hi everyone,

This entry will be less than the day deserves, but I'm trying not to let perfect be the enemy of good.  Also I need to get to bed.

It's been a hot day here - about 38C / 106F I believe.  My diary said it was appointment free, although that didn't mean I wasn't busy as I desperately cranked out another couple of advices and a bunch of other work.  I did get the first reprimand I've had since I've been there, about having too-high an average write-off for work done on files.  This shook me a little, as this was an issue at the last job, and I'm petrified of losing this job like I did the last one.  I think I can do better, with a little tinkering with my methods, so I'm sure I can rectify things, but it was still a little disconcerting.  Of course, I do have a Plan B ...

This evening was my night to go and make a plasma donation, and once again I almost got knocked back!  Last time it was because my haemoglobin was on the borderline of being too low.  I'd prepared for that this time, by last night consuming a can of "camp pie" for dinner.

They call this a "favourite Aussie snack" but my honest opinion is that there are no words for how truly, truly nasty this stuff is.  Imagine wet tissues, flavoured with unidentifiable meat and smelling like a wet dog and you'll just about have it.  However, I was back too late to cook last night, and I had a can of it from way back, so I just smothered it with Tony Chachere's and tried to think of something else while I ate it.

It did the trick, since my haemoglobin was now at a healthy level despite not having had red meat in a while.  The problem now, however, was that my pulse rate was too slow (46 beats a minute).  Considering I was about to be jabbed with a needle and wired up to a machine, and I'd just left the office, one wouldn't have expected me to be so chilled out.  I explained about the exercise I'd been doing, and a phone call to the Blood Bank's medical officer they OK'd me to go ahead.

After donating plasma I went back to the office and did some more work till 10:15pm, and decided to run from the office back to here, about 4 miles.  It was still 27C / 84F and humid as Hell, and I discovered I'd forgotten my iPod, so there'd be nothing to help me keep step and distract me from the ache in my legs and lungs.  Nonetheless, I made it without stopping, in a good time of 42 minutes (again, quicker than the tram would have got me back here).  By the time I was back, though, I was literally able to wring the sweat out of my t-shirt.  Still, it paid off inasmuch as I weighed in this evening and found I'm now down to my next target weight of 90kgs!  Very very pleased about that!!  Next stop is 85kgs, and then 80.  Hurrah!

OK, I need to turn in.  Big day tomorrow, with a conference and at least two more advices to draft.  Such is the life of litigation lawyer!

See you tomorrow folks.

Wednesday already??

Hi everyone,

Sorry I've been a little patchy with the blogging the last few days.  As you can probably tell from the title, it's been an incredibly busy couple of days, between working flat-out during the day and exercising a lot during the evenings.  The exercise is partly for health reasons and also because it seems to give me a good kick-along during the day.  Kind of, run the brain to empty at the office, then go and pump some fresh blood into it in the evening and recharge it.  All of which is great but does mean I haven't written anything more than a very short - and I suspect abortive - history piece about the recent demise of the town of Quitman, Missouri.  On the plus side, one of my news alerts told me of pending changes to the Oklahoma workers compensation laws, which has prompted me to send an email to a legislatrix there seeking further information and which might, perhaps, offer me the chance to get my name out there and keep building the contacts.  As I see it, it's critical I keep moving forward with the move plan and don't let it drift.  I don't want Grace and Rachel to think I'm over here because I don't care about them.  I want them, when they're old enough to understand, to know I came across as fast as energy, earnings, and a somewhat restrictive skill-set could achieve it.

This evening's exercise was swimming at Melbourne City Baths, to give my legs a workover and also not to pound the crap out of my knees.  I got to a new record of 46 laps (1380 metres).  If it hadn't been near closing time I think I could have got to the mile!  Well, next time.

I'm pleased to report - and a little surprised - that the attitudinal change I blogged about the other week  appears, genuinely, to have stuck.  I've never felt this durable before in my entire life, or this settled, or as comfortable inside my skin.  I'm struggling for a simile here.  It's as if, having worn a too-small wetsuit for year, that crushed your muscles and restricted your breathing and wouldn't let you stand straight, you'd finally taken it off, and felt the sun on your skin and your joints free up and your lungs fill, as strong and free as a Mallee bull.  I guess I sound like a broken record, but I wish Joni could see me like this, and not like I was when I was falling apart.  Well, no point brooding over it.

I should close this and go and have a shower and wash this chlorine off and get some sleep.  Thankfully tomorrow is an appointment and meeting free day, which is just as well - two advices to crank out and a Mount Everest of medical records to wade through.  Starbucks card on standby!

See you tomorrow.

In which I run ... quite a lot.

Hi everyone,

So today was the day of the City2Sea.  I was on my feet early, about 6am, as I was going to have to walk down to the Arts Centre where the starting point was (bugger all car parking and no public transport that early on a Sunday).  As it happened, a cab was going by just as I turned onto Nicholson Street, so I didn't have to prelude a 14km run with a 7km walk!

It was clear but still bloody cold when I got down there - the only place to be, especially once you'd checked your bag and taken off your over-clothes and gotten down to your running gear, was in one of the patches of sunlight.  Imagine a more sociable version of the "discovering light = life" scenes in Pitch Black and you've got the idea.  I'm happy to say I showed my Who Dat pride and went with a T-shirt celebrating New Orleans' win in the 2009-10 Super Bowl!

Who dat!

As you might expect, they got the fastest runners away first - the ones who had records to set and medals to win.  Then the common or garden runners and joggers like me.  Behind us were the walkers and folks with strollers and infants who were going to have a leisurely stroll in the Spring sunlight.

The starting archway

All up there were something like 15,000 participants and, yes, it was my very first 'official' run.  As you can see, I had lots of company just in my tranche of starters

The Blue group ready to start out

The course itself was very well laid out.  The service lanes in St Kilda Road had been closed to traffic, and a lot of the course itself was around Albert Park Lake.  The organisers had really done it up well - every mile or so there'd be a band - the Navy Jazz band was playing "Eye of the Tiger" as we passed Victoria Barracks! - or a broadcast point for Nova-FM, and at one stage even a barbershop quartet!  I skipped the first two drinks spots, but by the third (about 10km) I really needed that Gatorade to keep me going.  Still, I wasn't one of the people who'd elected to run in fancy dress.  Surely the bravest of those dedicated souls was the buy who was running dressed as the Kung Fu Panda -

!

The signs eventually told us "12km" and "13km", but by that stage I'm pretty sure I had gained a phenomenal amount of mass, as the space-time continuum seemed to be warping around me.  Certainly that's my explanation for why the last two kilometres were the longest I've ever run.  I crossed the finish line with a time of 1 hour, 33 minutes and 3 seconds.  I collected my finisher's medal.  Yeah, I know, it's like getting a ribbon for 'participation', but I've never had an athletic medal before and, gee I'm proud!

The finish line itself was in Catani Gardens, just beside the bay.  It was all set up for a families day, so there was free gatorade and water for runners, lots of barbeques and the like set up by Rotary and other volunteer groups, and all the fixings to encourage people to stay and have fun

So that was how I kicked off my Sunday - a great run finishing in a welcoming part of the city!

The changes that are good.

Many of us are controlled, knowingly or not, by assumptions. I think the biggest problem I ever had was that I came to assume I had no right to anything better than wherever I was at that particular moment.


When a lot of the voices you hear throughout much of your life tell you how second rate and contemptible you are (school and university, for instance), eventually you begin to take them seriously. And when the voice telling you those things is your own, it creates a self-sustaining demon. Because you accept as an article of faith that "something better" is not something you're entitled to, every experience you have tends to confirm this belief: it being the natural lot of humanity that many of our experiences are negative ones, you feel that you had them coming to you; should something good happen in your life, you automatically assume it was a fluke or a mistake. 


All of your actions tend to validate this state of mind: because you assume you don't deserve to do other than fail, you learn to tolerate and make the best of crummy things, not because you're a simple man and like them, but because you can never persuade yourself that there's an alternative.


How does this work in practice?  In my case, I assumed (for example) that I wasn't someone who would or could live somewhere good. That such a thing could be my life simply did. not. enter. my. head. This is why I voluntarily lived for several years in a small, fairly dingy flat. I assumed I couldn't have a good car, or aspire to own one that wasn't a pile of junk, and so I persisted in owning, one after another, a second hand Laser and then a Corolla, one of which had a slowly dying engine and the other of which was slowly morphing into the world's fastest pile of rust. It never occurred to me I could do any better. And it's also why I persisted in sleeping in a single bed despite something larger being well within my purchasing power.


I was marginally more sophisticated with work. I'd never done especially well at law school and only landed a job through personal connections. I always simply assumed that I would fail if I went to a bigger firm or a better job, and so I stayed in a poorly paid role that I found largely unsatisfying and which in the end drained my will to live, until an encounter with a very energetic recruiter resulted in a hiring process that took on a life of its own. I'd been to job interviews before then, sure, but I think potential employers can tell when you don't think you deserve the job: if you don't think you're a serious candidate for a role, there's no reason for them to think differently. This was something that I think my wife found incomprehensible and exasperating by turns: she would tell me I was a good and talented lawyer, and I could do better, and I'd either leave her feeling like she was talking to a brick wall or have a scrolling list of reasons why I would move but not yet.  This was, as it happens, the first issue which brought out how difficult my sometime issues were for her.  I'd been to a disastrous job interview on the Wednesday before Easter in 2009, and was pretty upset about it when we went to Lorne for the Easter weekend.  We had quite an intense conversation about it one morning on that trip.


Inevitably this belief made things bad romantically as well. Before my wife, I never thought I was the sort of guy who "deserved" (in the sense of, had a chance with) any girl, and so I either didn't try or tried in the most lame and half-hearted ways. I don't in any respect regret meeting, marrying and building a life with my wife, but I can understand why sometimes she must have wondered what was in my head. How can you believe you're the most important thing to your husband when all his life he's settled for anything he could find?


This is why I failed to cope when our girls were born. When the hard work began, of paying for it all and being an active and involved parent, being and achieving "better" (financially, time wise, personal attitude) stopped being (for want of a better word) optional and became vital. And because I'd spent forever convinced I could never achieve anything "better" for myself or anyone else, I didn't achieve it, and increasingly I unravelled at the gap between what was needed and what I could produce. That this same gap between what I considered myself capable of being and what I needed to be lead me to disaster at the old new job: while there were other factors, a near-complete lack of belief that I could be better in the way that I wanted to be was a big nail in the coffin.


This was, intriguingly, something I mentioned to the psychologist who my wife and I saw for marriage counselling, when I talked about being afraid to ask for things at the old old job despite my boss' approval being more or less guaranteed. I didn't recognise it then but this belief was clearly what I was referring to.


Something changed about me where this belief is concerned this year. I'm not sure when it happened. Maybe when I started writing more. Certainly when I began the new job. And maybe (I know this will sound weird) when I started updating my LinkedIn profile, which is kind of like getting a huge high-five from yourself as you realise you're a better and more competent person than you thought you were, and that even what sounds like a boast isn't a boast when you can reliably back it up. For the first time that I can remember, "better" in my life feels like it's there for the taking. I don't think I've changed exactly, and I'm sure the world hasn't changed. But one thing has changed. I guess it's that I'm not afraid of everything any more.

The other thing that has changed is that for the first time that I can remember, I feel comfortable inside my own skin. Yeah, I know, it's a cliché, but it's the truth. I'm not perfect - I could have been a better husband, but I think I was as good as I could have been. I'm not in a position to be the father I thought I would be, but I can still be a pretty good one if I try.  And yeah, I'm a bundle of apparently mismatched pieces - the intuitive historian in the highly non-intuitive legal profession. Someone who loves American football and pre-Reformation music. I could pull apart and put back together a Ronaldson-Tippett engine given sufficient time, tools and unlimited amounts of WD-40, but also discovered on reading the shoe-heavy post of another blogger that I had an opinion about them (for the avoidance of doubt, I didn't want to be wearing them, but I did think they looked great). I'm good with going to the National Gallery, and also with going to watch the judging of Maine-Anjou cattle.


What I've come to realise is that all these pieces don't have to fit together in any particular way, and certainly not in a way to forces them to be seamless. If you relax and stop trying to force the different parts of who you are to fit together, they'll just settle down together in a way which you can intuit, if not actually understand or explain.  You'll really only come to grief if you do try and force them to fit together, because inevitably you'll find you're denying part of your own nature.  There's nothing wrong with bringing one of these pieces to the fore at a right moment and letting the rest slip into the background (one would not, for example, get into a deep discussion of the economic roots of the English Renaissance at the Pakenham stockyards), because that's the essence of being a whole person.  The word person, it's worth remembering, comes from the Etruscan word phersu, meaning 'mask'.  Everybody presents different masks (or sides of their identity) depending on the surroundings.  The only people who are completely consistent in the face they show the world are those with just one side to their identity.  Someone like that can only be a dreadful bore at best and a madman at worst.


I should add that this is something I'd never have figured out for myself without the help of a lot of truly awesome ladies (yes, all girls) who've been supporting me on the bumpy road that 2012 has been. Most of you read this blog, so take a bow JF, HD, KT, GD and SL. Thanks to you I can fist bump Popeye and say calmly "I yam what I yam!"

This year, as I said, has been a hell of a bumpy ride, and of course, there's a lot of things in it that I wish had gone differently. But then again, looking purely at what has come out of it for me, and the person it's let me become, I find it hard to regret it. As the sages who wrote Red Dwarf pointed out: "If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones".


It seems strange to say it after a year in which I haven't held my beloved daughters for 12 months, and in which my marriage has run aground, I've been fired, had a full-fledged meltdown in front of one boss, spent countless evenings at the office and spent a fair bit of time  in some pretty dark places, but looking at all that has happened, and all that the future might hold, I feel like I'm probably the most blessed man who ever drew breath.

Tomorrow will be another beautiful day.

Another placeholder ... sorry ...

Hi everyone,

Sorry: I still haven't made time to do the weekend recap I promised (nor another great post which is at the back of my mind).  Sorry!

I'm not going to do a political recap tonight - more than enough ink will be spilt on that subject and I don't imagine I'm going to say anything especially novel about it.  Although the classiest comment of all came from my friend Kris, a rusted-on Democrat, who commended on Facebook -

I feel sad for everyone that loses. What a let down they must feel.

That is how a good winner talks.

My own  day was difficult - trying to work with about two thirds of my brain on the files and one third on the election results.  As most of you know, I'm not one of nature's multitaskers.  Went for a run in the evening - from the Casa to Trades Hall and back in a big loop and finally felt my legs kick in - that awesome feeling when you're running as strong and effortless as Makybe Diva and feel like you could go forever.

Anyway, that took an hour and was about 6 miles.  So, I'm feeling pretty good for the run on Sunday!

Anyway, it's 1am and past when I said I'd be in bed by.  Hope all your days are going well!

See you tomorrow.

Sunny Monday

Hi everyone,

It's been a good Monday, I'm not going to lie.  I did fail to go running this morning, which I attribute to a design flaw in my clock-radio (snooze button is way too big and easy to hit).  Nonetheless, I was at the office in time to have breakfast and also get and handle on the file I had to look after at the Magistrates Court this morning.

The Court matter itself went well, although as it's still ongoing I won't talk about it.  It was all sorted by lunch and so I was able to spend the afternoon settling an advice and a few other things I needed to attend to.  As this week is quiet I was out of the office early - about 6:30pm, which with this firm is early.  I should add that on the flipside they're appealingly relaxed about start times - as long as your work is getting done, they seem to turn a blind eye on lateness till about 9:30am.

Picked up some groceries on the way back to the Casa, including fixings for actual homecooked meals.  Believe me, the last few weeks of hectic activity and having microwave meals or sandwiches for dinner got old!  I probably wouldn't have killed for a homecooked meal, but I may have been willing to inflict non-lethal violence.  Anyway, before I could get to that, I had to blow the dust off the Nikes and turn on the iPod and crank out a few miles.

It'd been a warm day and I can safely say I sweated some wine out this evening!  As you can see from the thingy over to the right, I ran 4.5 miles this evening (which it's rounded up to five) which is my usual run - not bad for first evening back in training.  In addition, before I set out I checked my weight - 97kgs - and this time I'll get it down to the 80-85 my BMI says it should be.  Of course, this may need extra motivation. Something like this maybe -

 

Dinner was a slight misfire - it was meant to be diced beef with gravy and a side of (Heart Foundation approved!) macaroni and cheese.  I put way too much flour with the gravy and too much water with the pasta, so it kind of came out as beef with spicy Yorkshire pudding and cheesy pasta soup.  Tasted OK though!

Tomorrow and Wednesday are largely appointment free, so I should be pretty near up to date by the end of the week, thank God.  I've never been this in control of my work before.

Oh, and one more thing: can I endorse using a mix of honey and lemon to clear your face up?  Yeah, yeah, a guy giving himself a facial ... yuk it up people.  I don't care - this is the first time my face has been almost free of spots and scabs in 22 years.  So if it's a problem for you, feed appropriate search terms into google and you'll find pretty much what's needed.

OK, bedtime.

See you tomorrow.

Quick morning update

Hi everyone,
Today looks pretty good so far. The air is cool, the sun is shining, and I‘m in a world beating frame of mind.
The balance of yesterday‘s County Court hearing will be today; I also need to do a Magistrates Court appearance this morning.  The day is otherwise helpfully quiet which is a Godsend.
This evening I have an “Alumnae Cocktail evening“ at the old new job‘s offices, which I find mildly surreal given the whole “fired my ass“ thing. Still, another chance to network. You never know where your breaks will come from.
Let‘s see what the day has to offer!

Monday recap

Hi everyone,

It's after 1am and I really need to turn the laptop off and get to bed.  I'm a little heartbroken as I just finished typing a really good law and history piece for the wordpress blog and then pushed the wrong button and lost the lot.  I don't really care for wordpress as a blogging platform, but need something I can use that's separate from blogspot so as to keep these two bits of my life separate.

 

IT problems aside, it's been a great day from my perspective.  I had a hearing in the County Court today.  As it's still on foot, I can't really share details, but I think the phrase "issues rich and challenging" applies, as does the phrase "batting in a speedball cage".  And who was there at the middle of the storm, juggling interests and problems, keeping folks happy and generally finessing smooth progress from a losing hand?  Little ol' me!  I know it sounds like I'm plugging myself, but I've never thought of myself as a competent litigator before.  Discovering I don't just automatically screw things up is something that doesn't get old!

Worked a few extra hours this evening on a singularly intractable advice.  Dinner of macaroni and cheese with a little canned tuna and corn.  Skyped with my little angels tonight - so so so adorable, and Joni tells me Rachel is getting better all the time.  So in love with my little princesses and think they're due for another 'just because' present.

OK, time for me to sleep.  Lots to do tomorrow, including the balance of this hearing.  Fortunately thing will quiet down a little after this week.

See you tomorrow.

Not what the day deserves

Hi everyone,
This post won‘t be as long as the day deserves.  That might be just as well though: it‘s probably only interesting to me.  Anyway, today was the first ‘difficult‘ day I‘d had at the new job.  Difficult in the sense of being late in, and having no less than 4 medium size crises unravel through the day. Usually that sort of thing should make me insane and blame myself and convinced I‘m a horrible evil failure. Today - I just got in with it, fixed the problem and generally managed to roll through. Maybe it sounds pathetic, I guess, but it feels good to think “I still got it“.
Evening was a little difficult because I kept thinking of Grace and Rachel last night, playing with their wooden blocks, and how Grace so lives cuddling her little white toy bunny.  I miss my little girls so much.  Why can‘t we turn time backwards? Sigh.
Ok, it‘s very late. Sleep time.
See you tomorrow.

A picture Sunday

Hi everyone,

It's pretty late here (1:20am) - I just finished skyping with Joni and the girls.  I swear, those two little princesses are just the most perfect little people in the world.  So sweet, so gentle, so clever and so funny.  Rachel is getting cluier with words all the time and Grace - she's just the funniest, smartest little thing you ever saw.  Grace looked so thrilled to see me, and Rachel kind of cried when it was time to say bye-bye.  I love them more than there were words to say it.

It's been a weekend in town.  By way of a quick recap: On Friday evening I was having some chillout time (on the couch in sweatpants eating cheesy-poofs and watching Big Bang Theory) when Sophie, the former housemate who lives in Albury called me - she was in town and had had a dinner date fall through, so she asked if I wanted to catch up for tapas and a glass of wine.  She was in Fitzroy (about 5 minutes from here), so I met her there.  All was well until I found I'd unwittingly left my car in a permit zone.  Screw you, City of Yarra.

Saturday was frustrating: I was meant to meet the landlord here to sort out some bond paperwork, but an hour and a half late they called me and said they had to cancel.  Grumble.  Anyway, I went into town to get some things from the State Library for a good friend in Maine to do with a shared historical interest (she has a pretty neat historical blog that's worth a look - Heirlooms Reunited).  I was going to go to the office and get caught up on some work, but I got there and remembered I'd left my keycard behind.  Back I trekked to Brunswick, then back to the office.  That was an hour and a half well spent.  Gripe.  The evening was good though - Sophie teed up a dinner at a Lebanese grill for her and me and two other ex-housemates, Toby and KP, so it made for a really fun evening.  Although I can tell you, there was no good place to look when the belly dancer came out.  Where is a man meant to look when the dancer is wearing a thigh split velvet skirt, a fuzzy green bra, and dancing with a couple of swords?

And no, it was not possible to get a better photo!

After that I came back here and scribbled a bit more about Richard III.  I do this odd thing where I want to explore ideas.  If I just need to bash something out, a keyboard is fine.  If I want to write while pondering, I reach for a nib-pen and a bottle of ink.  Having to do the words slowly and carefully kind of makes you slow down and think things through.

Today I discovered I'd been robbed of an hour by daylight savings.  I spent most of the day at the office quite productively.  Dinner was hamburgers smothered with soy and barbeque sauces, served between slices of toast with avocado and tomato.  Simple but delicious (have made a spare one for lunch tomorrow - just knowing it's there will get me through the morning!).  And now, skype, blogging and bed.

Incidentally, in the twitter feed from one of my favourite college football teams, the San Diego State University Aztecs, there was a beautiful photograph of a sunset over their football field.  For some reason, the photo says something to me about hope and new beginnings and life and maturity and courage that I can't quite put into words.  Anyway, they very nicely said I could re-use it on my blog, so here it is -

Fear the Spear!

See you tomorrow folks.