Completely Done ... with a lading of self pity

Hi everyone,

I'm sitting here at my desk at Friday lunchtime wondering why time keeps rolling forward.

You guys know that I love my wife and my daughters.  What I haven't shared in these pages before, I guess because I've been willing to live in something of a fools paradise, is that my marriage is pretty well on the rocks.  I know some of you know this already, including my sisters K and J (and sisters, the rest of the family doesn't know, so if you could remain discreet, I'd truly value it still).  This is just gutting me right now, as I've now been given an update on them, and I'm realising Joni shares almost nothing about them with me unprompted.  She won't tell me where they live, or where she works, or anything much else; I guess because she did once say that she feared one day I'd try and harm myself and that I'd harm the girls while I was about it.  I'm now struggling to think of a scenario where I'll be allowed even to see them or spend time with them that doesn't involve a court order.

I thought about posting some of her emails on the subject up here, but that seems a little vindictive.  The core of them was, though, that she blamed me for how things went at the last job, and for writing about it on here and on Facebook, that when I developed some difficulties last year, it was too much of a burden for her to bear, and that (in essence), no matter how stable, how in control, how much over those issues I might be, to her I will always be someone she needs to take care of, and not be a partner to.

You can probably guess how this leaves me feeling.  She told me to unfriend all our shared friends on Facebook and twitter, and to stop contacting them.  I can just manage to stay in very slim contact with her family, but I guess that's only on sufferance.  The worst is, I was never so happy as when I was a husband and a father, and never felt so welcomed or so loved as when I came to know her friends and her family.  I'm coming to know how far I've been expelled from all that, and it hurts.

I'm not even sure why I'm putting this up here.  I just want to get it out of my head I guess?  And maybe to go on the record about it all.  I'm a lawyer, after all.  I toy with the truth for a living.  I even know that sometimes it helps to be able to lie to yourself.  But I learned from several years of self-delusion a couple of jobs ago, that you shouldn't lie to yourself forever.  It hurts, but after you bit the bullet and face reality, rebuilding can begin.