Giving things up

Hi everyone,

I'll start this post now (about 1415hrs) and cue it to go up later tonight.

I'm not sure where to start.  Well, first things first: I think I said the other day that I'd been let go from Goulburn Valley Signmakers, to my genuine relief if we're being honest.  How genuine was that relief?  I went to the blood bank the next day.  I discovered my heart rate had dropped from the 60ish beats per minute it's been at for months to a more acceptable 45bpm.  Clearly, that work was not for me on health grounds alone.

Regardless, a man must eat.  I sent off a few job applications but was bracing for an extended spell out of work broken only by the hope for a job at the cannery.  I went back to firing off job applications at random without much optimism.  And then last Wednesday I was rung at about 2000hrs and asked to come to an interview with a law firm in Melbourne on Friday last.  I dutifully booked a ticket on the train from Violet Town and headed off.

Violet Town Railway Station
(c) Stephen Tuck

I had a distinct feling that it was a waste of time and so I approached the interview with a distinct "who gives?" feeling.  It must have worked, because a few hours later I was rung and offered the job, at precisely the salary I'd suggested (which was, frankly, rather more than I think I'm actually worth).  I thanked him, asked if I could have the weekend to think it over, and agreed to call him today (Monday).

I spent most of Saturday weighing it up.  I'm sure you can guess what the factors were.  It boiled down simply to (a) not wanting to leave my parents without an extra set of hands versus (b) desperately wanting to be able to support my daughters properly and not limp week to week on on short term jobs and rag-ends of work.  Other details - not much wanting to move back to the city, not wanting to leave my SES and Red Cross units, missing the friends I've made up here - were the price of living.

In the end I decided that the situation with Mum and Dad was manageable enough and the benefits for Grace and Rachel strong enough (being able to pay their school fees, for one) to take the job.  I rang this morning and confirmed acceptance with no enthusiasm at all.  Since then I've arranged accomodation (premises in Brunswick) and looked up the SES Unit nearest to there.  And then I started looking at the fitness options that have appeared there while I've been way, and I'm finding that for the first time I almost feel excited by what lies ahead.  Well, maybe not quite excited.  I feel lonely AF right now.

I don't know if this is going to work out.  I have failed at so much in my life.  I have failed again and again and again and again.  Maybe, just this once, I won't fail.