It‘s been big couple of days.
Yesterday was more than a little stressful. I have two hearings starting next week, plus a bunch of administrative deadlines and also my usual work. Added to which one of my clients is (I‘m certain) giving me information piecemeal, and I am also certain is withholding what may be critical documents. Does this add to my stress? Yes it does.
Last night was the firm‘s Christmas party, which was a disappointingly painful experience. I started out a bit on edge and feeling a bit out of place, and careened downhill from there. I don‘t know why. The people at the firm like me, always treat me kindly and seem to enjoy my company. As best I can crystallize my thoughts, they were “here I am with all these beautiful, brilliant, colourful, perfect people. I‘m a dumb bag of shit with horrible skin that bleeds a lot. I have no right to be here. What in the name of Cookie Monster am I doing here?“. Before too long I was feeling completely overwhelmed and thought I might shamefully burst into tears at the drop of a hat. For reasons I can‘t explain, the most natural thing in the world seemed to be to make myself feel pain, so under the table I started jabbing my left forearm with a fork.
If this doesn‘t make much sense now, it‘s because it didn‘t make much sense last night either.
Truthfully, I really just wished Mrs T had been there. She IS beautiful, and brilliant, and at those sort of functions she sparkles like a diamond, and I always feel 8 feet tall whenever I can show her off.
I got back to the house about 1:00am, and so I was still pretty tired when I got up this morning. Awesomely, I got to skype with Mrs T and the munchkins. My God the girls have gotten big, and cute, and articulate. Just so beautiful!
I didn‘t have any plans for the remainder of the day, so I decided to go to the office for want of any better ideas. Not a great idea: my brain already felt tired from the week, and it had been a late night. I bad a massive struggle focussing in work and got not-enough done. The day was humid, and in short order the sky was a mass of blue clouds (the view from my office is one of the photos). At 6pm I decided to go to vigil Mass at St Mary Star of the Sea in West Melbourne. I'd never been to Mass there. As you can see from the photo, it's a really beautiful church, and in size one could almost call it a small Cathedral. And, the priests at it are connected to Opus Dei, which means the service is done straight, rather than with little tweaks that (I think) detract from the liturgy. When I was on the way back to the office the rain that had been building up came down in sheets (see the other photo herewith) and I was scurrying for shelter till the worst of the belt of rain passed.
I worked (such as I did) till 10:00 and then came back here. I was drafting this post on the way. Once I put this up I'll turn in and catch up on my sleep.
Despite the mess inside my head last night, I'm feeling my brain come back into an orbit where I can apply a lot of the things the headshrinker has been explaining to me lately. I guess there's always going to be times when I do feel so overwhelmed and can't do anything, but I want to keep working at making my head better. Part of it is that, in my current situation, I need a mission. Something that I can do that means my life has more in it than just work/eat/TV/sleep/repeat. Basically, something that means I not only know there's a future ahead of me, but that I'm doing something concrete to bring about. Sorry, I know this isn't very clear - I need to think it through a bit more. All I'm driving at is that I think the blue devils won't trouble me so much if I've got my eyes fixed on the horizon and I'm striding towards it, as opposed to if I'm trudging, head down, with every day like the one before.
See you all tomorrow.
Yesterday was more than a little stressful. I have two hearings starting next week, plus a bunch of administrative deadlines and also my usual work. Added to which one of my clients is (I‘m certain) giving me information piecemeal, and I am also certain is withholding what may be critical documents. Does this add to my stress? Yes it does.
Last night was the firm‘s Christmas party, which was a disappointingly painful experience. I started out a bit on edge and feeling a bit out of place, and careened downhill from there. I don‘t know why. The people at the firm like me, always treat me kindly and seem to enjoy my company. As best I can crystallize my thoughts, they were “here I am with all these beautiful, brilliant, colourful, perfect people. I‘m a dumb bag of shit with horrible skin that bleeds a lot. I have no right to be here. What in the name of Cookie Monster am I doing here?“. Before too long I was feeling completely overwhelmed and thought I might shamefully burst into tears at the drop of a hat. For reasons I can‘t explain, the most natural thing in the world seemed to be to make myself feel pain, so under the table I started jabbing my left forearm with a fork.
If this doesn‘t make much sense now, it‘s because it didn‘t make much sense last night either.
Truthfully, I really just wished Mrs T had been there. She IS beautiful, and brilliant, and at those sort of functions she sparkles like a diamond, and I always feel 8 feet tall whenever I can show her off.
I got back to the house about 1:00am, and so I was still pretty tired when I got up this morning. Awesomely, I got to skype with Mrs T and the munchkins. My God the girls have gotten big, and cute, and articulate. Just so beautiful!
I didn‘t have any plans for the remainder of the day, so I decided to go to the office for want of any better ideas. Not a great idea: my brain already felt tired from the week, and it had been a late night. I bad a massive struggle focussing in work and got not-enough done. The day was humid, and in short order the sky was a mass of blue clouds (the view from my office is one of the photos). At 6pm I decided to go to vigil Mass at St Mary Star of the Sea in West Melbourne. I'd never been to Mass there. As you can see from the photo, it's a really beautiful church, and in size one could almost call it a small Cathedral. And, the priests at it are connected to Opus Dei, which means the service is done straight, rather than with little tweaks that (I think) detract from the liturgy. When I was on the way back to the office the rain that had been building up came down in sheets (see the other photo herewith) and I was scurrying for shelter till the worst of the belt of rain passed.I worked (such as I did) till 10:00 and then came back here. I was drafting this post on the way. Once I put this up I'll turn in and catch up on my sleep.
Despite the mess inside my head last night, I'm feeling my brain come back into an orbit where I can apply a lot of the things the headshrinker has been explaining to me lately. I guess there's always going to be times when I do feel so overwhelmed and can't do anything, but I want to keep working at making my head better. Part of it is that, in my current situation, I need a mission. Something that I can do that means my life has more in it than just work/eat/TV/sleep/repeat. Basically, something that means I not only know there's a future ahead of me, but that I'm doing something concrete to bring about. Sorry, I know this isn't very clear - I need to think it through a bit more. All I'm driving at is that I think the blue devils won't trouble me so much if I've got my eyes fixed on the horizon and I'm striding towards it, as opposed to if I'm trudging, head down, with every day like the one before.
See you all tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment