It‘s been a blizzard of a day. Not climatically (although the weather was cool) but, a string of things not helped by my brain moving in a nauseating rush. Kind of like a 747 trying to land when the pilot is completely wasted.
I've spent today working on files where I've either done something stupid or (worse) not done anything at all. I also went to Court to hear judgment in that matter I've been in all week. Not only did we lose, we lost a chunk on the costs point which we should have won. Gripe. And, I had case reviews on a lot of file where my performance has been singularly clueless. There were a few good ones in there, where I've done well, but a lot where I just sat there and wanted to gouge my intestines out because I knew I'd let my employer down. Again.
So it was a great day for my brain to be doing that "going weird" thing where part of me wants to vomit or do-something-but-I-know-not-what, and where I find myself biting my fingers or hands for some reason. I don't know why I do that; at a guess to give the brain something else to focus on, but I'm not sure. It's helped me acquire an odd callus on the side of my index finger so far. Added to which I'd had a big failure in the wardrobe department this morning (a suit / shirt / tie combination that made me look like Charlie Chaplin, if Charlie Chaplin had been riding the short bus), and the skin on my face was in a really irritated, reddish condition that hurts and burns and has little acne and scabs on it. By about midday/1:00ish I was really, really down, and feeling like the only thing in the world I could possibly be fit for was a middle-body segment in a real-life version of "The Human Centipede" (And if you don't know what I'm talking about, do not Google it: it's information you seriously don't want. I haven't even seen The Human Centipede; I just read the summary on Wikipedia last night and still can't get rid of the mental images). But, whenever anyone said anything pleasant to me, my mind went capering like a mangy dog given a pat. Really, it's a messed up frame of mind to spend the day in.
I left the office at 9:30 tonight - progress! - and came back here. Dinner, shower, and in a few minutes, bed. I got less messed up as the evening wore on, and now my brain just feels twitchy but done and tired. Taking its restless rest in the soaking dew, to steal a good image from Aeschylus.
As much as I miss Mrs T and Grace and Rachel, I'm kind of glad they weren't here to see me up close like this. I'm beginning to see how much extra burden this put on Mrs T from time to time. Thank God I should have my shit sorted out by the time where back together.
OK, sleep seems like a good idea right now. See you tomorrow.
I've spent today working on files where I've either done something stupid or (worse) not done anything at all. I also went to Court to hear judgment in that matter I've been in all week. Not only did we lose, we lost a chunk on the costs point which we should have won. Gripe. And, I had case reviews on a lot of file where my performance has been singularly clueless. There were a few good ones in there, where I've done well, but a lot where I just sat there and wanted to gouge my intestines out because I knew I'd let my employer down. Again.
So it was a great day for my brain to be doing that "going weird" thing where part of me wants to vomit or do-something-but-I-know-not-what, and where I find myself biting my fingers or hands for some reason. I don't know why I do that; at a guess to give the brain something else to focus on, but I'm not sure. It's helped me acquire an odd callus on the side of my index finger so far. Added to which I'd had a big failure in the wardrobe department this morning (a suit / shirt / tie combination that made me look like Charlie Chaplin, if Charlie Chaplin had been riding the short bus), and the skin on my face was in a really irritated, reddish condition that hurts and burns and has little acne and scabs on it. By about midday/1:00ish I was really, really down, and feeling like the only thing in the world I could possibly be fit for was a middle-body segment in a real-life version of "The Human Centipede" (And if you don't know what I'm talking about, do not Google it: it's information you seriously don't want. I haven't even seen The Human Centipede; I just read the summary on Wikipedia last night and still can't get rid of the mental images). But, whenever anyone said anything pleasant to me, my mind went capering like a mangy dog given a pat. Really, it's a messed up frame of mind to spend the day in.
I left the office at 9:30 tonight - progress! - and came back here. Dinner, shower, and in a few minutes, bed. I got less messed up as the evening wore on, and now my brain just feels twitchy but done and tired. Taking its restless rest in the soaking dew, to steal a good image from Aeschylus.
As much as I miss Mrs T and Grace and Rachel, I'm kind of glad they weren't here to see me up close like this. I'm beginning to see how much extra burden this put on Mrs T from time to time. Thank God I should have my shit sorted out by the time where back together.
OK, sleep seems like a good idea right now. See you tomorrow.
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