It‘s been an interesting couple of days. Yesterday morning I got to skype with Joni and Grace and Rachel, and to watch them open the gifts she'd set aside for skyping purposes. The cutest thing you ever saw, especially when Rachel unwrapped the police teddy bear one of her aunts here had sent. She immediately began cuddling it, which was just great as she‘s not usually a stuffed animal girl.
After skyping I got one of those flashes of inspiration/instinct/insanity/idiocy that I get now and again. I had an urge to go on a road trip to Albury, and to take photos on the way of a can of Creole seasoning. Those of you who know me well will know that my instincts are usually an appalling guide to activity. In fact, as a rule when I rely on them it usually results in pain to myself or others. Anyway, I went with them this time and hit the road. Most of the photos from the trip are with this entry.
The roughly ten-hour round trip gave me plenty of time to think. This led me to think something I hadn't thought before, which is that you actually have to choose to be happy, or (more helpfully) to make yourself happy. This isn't a completely independently-reached insight; another blogger I read posted something very similar recently. What I meant by this was that (for me) the medication and the “complex thinking“ is necessary but not sufficient. That is, they enable me to get the blue devils under control, but that‘s only part of the job. The other part is to consciously do things one finds rewarding. This is as distinct from doing things because they're neutral (eg, going to the office for want of anything else to do), or they're simply one‘s preferred variety of being miserable (eg, avoiding social things and simply being alone and brooding). Life doesn't, of course, always lend itself to making one happy, but to the extent you can, you should.
Don't misunderstand me: this isn't a silver bullet. I'm not in one of my more "up" phases where I get carried away with things. I'm unhappily aware that from time to time the blue devils will just get their hooks into me for no reason. As best I can tell there's not much you can do about those times except ride them out. But for the rest of time, trying consciously to be happy, and to show that face to the world, has to keep troubles at bay, and has to make you a better and more diligent husband and a more devoted and loving father. After all, no one likes having a wet blanket around who you can't seem to make happy at all, and I think sometimes this hurt Joni a lot.
So many other habits and responses can be learned and unlearned, why not this one?
Today was a kind of a quiet day. I tried skyping Joni about midday, but she wasn't about, so I wrote her a longish email and also one to her brother who'd emailed me. I spent a good couple of hours crowbarring some American law into my head in a more scientific manner than I've heretofore done. The beauty of having studied law already is I can get a fairly swift idea of what's key and what is so much juristic waffle (I hope!).
At about 6pm I took the tram from here to St Kilda and spent an hour or so walking along the Esplanade (some pictures are in this post - the ones without pictures of a spice can in them). I must have seemed a bit out of place amidst all the fit and healthy folk there, in my jeans, unshaven and depressingly overweight, but I didn't care. The weather was gorgeous and the sun gentle. Having Joni and the girls would have made it perfect! Then, got a few groceries (esp rice and razor blades) and got the tram back here. I'll post this and turn in in a few minutes and read a bit - trying to finish the biography of Charles M Schulz I've been working on. I might even try and crank out some verse tomorrow. For the first time in ages my head feels in the right place to do so.
See you all tomorrow!
After skyping I got one of those flashes of inspiration/instinct/insanity/idiocy that I get now and again. I had an urge to go on a road trip to Albury, and to take photos on the way of a can of Creole seasoning. Those of you who know me well will know that my instincts are usually an appalling guide to activity. In fact, as a rule when I rely on them it usually results in pain to myself or others. Anyway, I went with them this time and hit the road. Most of the photos from the trip are with this entry.
The roughly ten-hour round trip gave me plenty of time to think. This led me to think something I hadn't thought before, which is that you actually have to choose to be happy, or (more helpfully) to make yourself happy. This isn't a completely independently-reached insight; another blogger I read posted something very similar recently. What I meant by this was that (for me) the medication and the “complex thinking“ is necessary but not sufficient. That is, they enable me to get the blue devils under control, but that‘s only part of the job. The other part is to consciously do things one finds rewarding. This is as distinct from doing things because they're neutral (eg, going to the office for want of anything else to do), or they're simply one‘s preferred variety of being miserable (eg, avoiding social things and simply being alone and brooding). Life doesn't, of course, always lend itself to making one happy, but to the extent you can, you should.
Don't misunderstand me: this isn't a silver bullet. I'm not in one of my more "up" phases where I get carried away with things. I'm unhappily aware that from time to time the blue devils will just get their hooks into me for no reason. As best I can tell there's not much you can do about those times except ride them out. But for the rest of time, trying consciously to be happy, and to show that face to the world, has to keep troubles at bay, and has to make you a better and more diligent husband and a more devoted and loving father. After all, no one likes having a wet blanket around who you can't seem to make happy at all, and I think sometimes this hurt Joni a lot.
So many other habits and responses can be learned and unlearned, why not this one?
Today was a kind of a quiet day. I tried skyping Joni about midday, but she wasn't about, so I wrote her a longish email and also one to her brother who'd emailed me. I spent a good couple of hours crowbarring some American law into my head in a more scientific manner than I've heretofore done. The beauty of having studied law already is I can get a fairly swift idea of what's key and what is so much juristic waffle (I hope!).
At about 6pm I took the tram from here to St Kilda and spent an hour or so walking along the Esplanade (some pictures are in this post - the ones without pictures of a spice can in them). I must have seemed a bit out of place amidst all the fit and healthy folk there, in my jeans, unshaven and depressingly overweight, but I didn't care. The weather was gorgeous and the sun gentle. Having Joni and the girls would have made it perfect! Then, got a few groceries (esp rice and razor blades) and got the tram back here. I'll post this and turn in in a few minutes and read a bit - trying to finish the biography of Charles M Schulz I've been working on. I might even try and crank out some verse tomorrow. For the first time in ages my head feels in the right place to do so.
See you all tomorrow!
No comments:
Post a Comment