This week.

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if this update will be as detailed as it should be.  It's been a week of the sort I'd really hoped I'd never had.

To hit the high notes: On Monday I had a meeting with my boss, and with one of the other partners in my section, and the the firm's HR manager.  The long and the short of it is that I'm to be placed on performance management.  This is alarming, as this seems to be a high road to being fired.  Fortunately (I guess) their concern wasn't about my performance in its entirety, but about achieving consistently excellent performance.  There were also some concerns over me sometimges becoming too unfocussed while running files.  The meeting itself was kind of positive: I was able to respond and explain why some of the concerns have already been addressed, and others are already fading.  I wasn't doing this in an objectionable way - I made clear that many of their concerns were entirely valid and that I was more than willing to address the problems that they were identifying.  So, although this is the sort of meeting you never enjoy, I was kind of optimistic that it could be brought to a satisfactory outcome.  It should give you some idea of my state of mind that after the meeting I set my facebook status to my old University's motto: “Ancora Imparo“ - I am still learning. Still, it's a concern and the really BIG fear - not being able to provide for Joni and the girls - kept playing on my mind.

On Tuesday I had a coffee with the other partner I met with on Monday.  The key message was about whether I'm essentially cut out to be a lawyer: he was suggesting I might want to consider whether the requirements of legal practice - especially defence practice - might be asking something from me that I might be fundamentally unable to deliver.  He was actually on to something there: I thought very hard about leaving the law 4 years ago and had a career profile test dome, which did show that I'm not especially well suited to being a lawyer.  Now, this fellow has been in practice since 1973, and has been a partner and managing partner for a big whack of that time, so his perspective was one I'm not going to be quick to disregard.  Hmm.

Wednesday was the day I've never wanted to have. I started the day with a tense meeting with my boss - my stress levels were raised by a document being missing from a file we were reviewing.  That afternoon I was meant to go over two files with the government agency we have a major contract with.  It got to 2pm and I knew I couldn‘t do the reviews.  Not because they weren't prepared - My brain just wouldn't co-operate.  I could barely remember the names of the parties and still less the issues involved. I had to go to my boss and ask her if she could take care of the reviews for me as I just didn‘t think I could avoid making the firm look bad. She said ok and came around to my office to collect the files. She asked if I was going to be ok. By this stage I was struggling to speak without losing my composure entirely and the only word I really got out was “sorry“. She sent round the partner I met with on Tuesday, to check on me. He got me talking and I wound up pretty much telling him everything about the psych problems I've had over the last couple of years.  He brought down the HR manager.  They suggested I try to get in to see Sonia the Psychologist that afternoon which I was able to arrange.  Before going I spoke with my own boss again who asked how I was doing.  By then I was feeling a lot better, 75-80% of normal, so I said so.  I also stressed that I remained very willing to go through the performance management process.  I can stomach them thinking I'm a second rate lawyer, but I can't stand the idea that they'd think I was that sort of whiny, manipulative employee who'd claim to be "stressed" to cover up crappy performance.

Seeing Sonia was a good idea.  I updated her on how I'd been feeling better than ever over the last few weeks, and the events of the last few days.  Her feeling was that that day wasn't that big a deal.  Her assessment was that it'd been a cascading set of stressors from Monday, and than when I got stressed ahead of the file review, I got stressed over being stressed, and it all kind of snowballed.  So, that was encouraging.  I've arranged to see her again in a fortnight.

Thursday and Friday were mercifully quiet at work.  On each night I felt exhausted and flattened and crashed into bed about 9:30pm, but still woke up tired. 
Today I went to the storage unit we have and sold some furniture to one of the housemates who's moving to Torquay.  Hooray!  The other items should be dead easy to sell from here.  I went to the office for the balance of the day and began to apply a system I'd thought might fix the unfocussed work problem.  It's working well so far, so I'm optimistic.

So, that's the news from my end.  I feel I'm bouncng back - I know how to work, and if I can take advantage of what the performance plan has to offer, I think I can emerge better than I went in.  And it really makes me happy that the firm's been so supportive.  I know their patience can't be unlimited (fair enough), but honestly, I think they were more concerned for my welfare than anything else when I had a meltdown, and I really appreciate that.

Oh yeah - and it was Ash Wednesday this week.  I've given up chocolate and alcohol for Lent.  Given the way this week unfolded that might be just as well!

See you tomorrow.