Caution: Whiny Post.

Hi Everyone,

I'm typing this entry now to get it our of my system so I can get back to work for the evening.  I'm just feeling done.

It hasn't been a great day.  I got in in plenty of time to look over the file for the hearing this morning so there was nothing I was missing, and I went down to court to attend to that plus the mention I had on this morning, plus a mention for someone else at my firm while I was down there.  I took one of the new trainees down as well, to show her where the relevant court is and generally to show her to ropes for attending mentions and what to do at court generally.  I felt like a bit of a fraud, explaining all this to her when I know the dismissal notice of Damocles is hanging over my head.

Negotiations in the hearing matter got underway, so I came back here so to get some work done and oversee the negotiations by phone.  So, I put the time to use on the last bits of the files I was working on at the weekend with a view for review today.

Lunch was an ethics seminar, so the firm supplied lunch (which was good as I'd been back at the Casa too late to make mine last night and in too much of a rush to make it this morning.

In the afternoon I finished off preparation for the reviews and went into them ... and still managed to screw it up.  Too much information, unhelpfully presented, and failing to present like the lawyer I wanted to present like.  Yep: In spite of ample time to prepare, and all the care in the world, I still managed to blow it, and give the appearance of being little better than a newly articled clerk.

The walk back from my boss' office to my office never felt quite so long: I go past all these sweet-natured, beautiful and brilliant people - in honesty, better lawyers than I'll ever be - and can't help but feel like a complete fraud.  I guess this is where reality kicks in.  In the end, there's no point having the devotion of a labrador and the work ethic of a horse, if you still have the brain of a mollusc.

Don't, perhaps, misunderstand me.  I'm not about to go and do a Willy Loman or resign my job in a fit of despair.  As long as I still have a job, I'll keep trying.  God knows, if there's one thing I learned from the old man, it's that sometimes life isn't about being the first to the finishline and breaking the tape; sometimes it's about putting one boot in front of the other because, even though you hate it, that's better than throwing in the towel.

So, press on.

Have I got any of that berry tea left?  Might need some after that!