Saturday, 25 November 2017

Before the storm

I'm typing this in a car park at Riverside Shopping Centre.  It's been a good weekend of training for duties as a Red Cross Emergency Services volunteer.

It was good until about two hours ago, at least, when the Bureau of Meteorology issued a storm warning for my area.  The usual following a hot day: severe storms, hailstones and possible flash flooding.  And now I'm sitting here feeling like my stomach is trying to punch its way out of my body.

Why am I so tense? Why this sense of dread?  I've been to plenty of storm call outs before. I'm not duty officer tonight.  Have I spent too long with the stress of working at the Signmakers?  Too long as Controller with a massive target on my back?  Surely none of that's enough to be giving me nerves like these.

I don't know the answer to any of this.  But I know that right now I desperately want this weather system to pass without incident.

Saturday, 18 November 2017

Making life better

Hi everyone,

I was on an SES callout from about 1000 this morning.  It's now 1400 and I'm about to go home.

Do you find that the Sunday blues kick your a**e too?  They seem to hook into me earlier and earlier every weekend.  Certainly at the moment I'm finding that I'm going back to the dark times I went through at other jobs.  At one stage at my first job as a lawyer I found the only part of the day I looked forward to was lunch, and that's basically my position now.  And at the job after that I dreaded the end of Sunday.  Not only was my marriage collapsing by then, but I'd go home every day feeling sick with worry and failure.  At a very black point it was a relief at the office to imagine the sense of a noose closing around my neck.

Unlike those other times, however, I'm doing something about it except waiting with that "deer in the headlights" look on my face.  I'm managing the blues themselves with medication as per usual.  And with the warmer weather I'm finding I can get a decent hit of endorphins regularly by running and exercising.  In particular I've also found that the ABC's Classic Flow yoga podcasts are something of an oasis of calm when things are tough.

A post shared by 🎹 Classic Flow 🎻 (@classicflow_yoga) on

I keep it together at work by thinking of groups of five things that I'm grateful for.  This really does help life my spirits.  More substantively I'm also looking for a new job.  This work is all very well, but the pay is low and the conditions dispiriting.  I can do so much more for the world than be a labourer and factory hand.

I'm not sure where life will end up, but I'm sure it'll be good when I get there.