Two days

It's been a kind of problematic couple of days, in a way.  The "low" mood has really had its hooks into me, bigtime.

It was especially bad yesterday morning, at work.  I mean, really low, and I couldn't seem to pull myself out of it at all.  My thoughts just seemed to keep orbiting a very dark planet.  It made it really difficult to focus on work at all.

That afternoon involved about 7-8 case reviews with my boss, which is draining and a good way to spend a couple of hours being face to face with the gaping holes in one's competence.  Not fun.  This didn't end till about 4:30, and then I still had some preparation to do for a hearing that's starting on Wednesday (i.e. tomorrow).  This meant I was late home, relative to the munchkins going out trick or treating dressed up as Minnie Mouse and a Pirate Princess.  So cute!  Mrs T didn't comment on this, although I can't help but suspect that she thinks I was late home because I didn't care enough to be here to see it.  It isn't the case at all.  I so wanted to be home for it, but with the best will in the world I couldn't be.  Sucks, royally.  To compound things, I had a session of a club I'm in with the old man in the evening, so I wasn't even there to help Mrs T bathe the girls and get them to bed.  The meeting itself was good - getting to catch up with the old man and one or two others.  And, he did drop by at our place afterwards for a cup of tea.  But, it was easy to see that our impending move was weighing on his mind.

You can probably tell that after he left and I'd washed up our cups, I was really clobbered.  All I could think over and over again was "I've ruined everything.  I ruined Dad's life by being useless like I am and by taking his granddaughters away from him.  I ruined Mrs T's life by bring her out here to this rock.  I've ruined the girls lives just by being in them, and when they look at me with love I feel ashamed.  And I've ruined my employer by being a barely competent zero as a lawyer".  By 10:30pm I just wanted to throw the towel in on the day.  I was physically exhausted and mentally done and all I wanted to do was throw in the towel and sleep.  Which is what I did: I had a shower and went to bed.

Today was a public holiday.  I got up at 7:30.  I really can't recall much of how I was today, apart from that I did feel pretty blue for a lot of the time.  I was able to duck out for a swim in the afternoon, and oddly I felt pretty down in the pool - not just because I'm fat and unfit, but because from time to time I just suddenly felt like the all the energy had drained out of me.  Ugh.  Mrs T went to visit Nanny C and her partner A in the evening, so I got the kids to bed and typed part of this before I had dinner.  It's now about 1:30am and I've been up with a file.  I'm ready for bed.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with S the Psychologist and I'll see if the latest rash of ups and downs are anything to be especially worried about.  My instincts are not, although I do wonder if it mightn't be worth discussing with the doctor whether upping the dose of Pristiq would be prudent. 

These blues are a pesky thing, indeed, but I'll not let them trick me into wrecking my life.  It's just a real bastard that they're clouding the time I have with Mrs T and the munchkins before their return.  No doubt the meaning of all this will become clear in time.